


I'm Too Scarred

by ikonlove



Category: iKON (Kpop)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, some ikon ot7 if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-13
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-23 17:09:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,281
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7472199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ikonlove/pseuds/ikonlove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chanwoo is young. Chanwoo is talented. Chanwoo feels inadequate. He’s been in iKon long enough to feel apart of the group, so why does he feel like an outsider. Why does he feel like he doesn't deserve to be apart of iKon, why does he feel useless? The boys have gone out of their way just to make him feel welcome and good enough, so why does Chanwoo feel as though all he’s doing is bringing the group down. Why can't he just tell his members how he feels?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I suck at descriptions but this is just going to be an angsty Chanwoo fic and it will hopefully have a happy ending. Also this is my first story. Feedback would be thoroughly appreciated!! This is cross posted on my AFF account btw.

Chanwoo is young. Chanwoo is talented. Chanwoo feels inadequate. He’s been in iKon long enough to feel apart of the group, so why does he feel like an outsider. Why does he feel like he doesn't deserve to be apart of iKon, why does he feel useless? The boys have gone out of their way just to make him feel welcome and good enough, so why does Chanwoo feel as though all he’s doing is bringing the group down. Why can't he just tell his members how he feels? Even Donghyuk, who Chanwoo thought would understand exactly how he feels being the last to join, is staring at him like he’s the scum of the Earth. But, he guesses any team would be angry when the same person keeps messing up the same damn step. 

He knows he should tell them. He should tell them how he’s only been getting an hour to two hours of sleep a night, how he only ever eats when he knows they’re looking, and how there’s a voice in his head telling him constantly that he isn’t good enough, but how could he put them through that. They’ve all got demons and burdens that are weighing heavy on their shoulders without having to deal with his petty problems. How could he even think of telling Hanbin hyung about his so called “struggles”. Chanwoo’s struggles aren’t even struggles compared to B.I’s. B.I’s the leader and he already has so many problems weighing him down, so many responsibilities. Plus, Chanwoo knows he shouldn’t be looking at the hate comments he receives (Hanbin hyung has caught him doing so and Chanwoo got the scolding of a lifetime that night) and he also knows he shouldn’t take them seriously, but what is he supposed to do if they are everywhere he looks. 

He can’t even look in the mirror without thinking of the disgusting things they say about him. The comments that are left on their videos and the comments on the V App can’t be avoided no matter how hard he tries. All the comments about him being fat and ugly are the reasons he’s stopped eating and all the comments about how untalented he is are why he doesn’t sleep, especially not on their off days. So, all of his problems were caused by himself and that’s another reason he’s not going to tell the rest of iKon. 

“Hyungs, I’m sorry,” Chanwoo feels as though this is the millionth time he’s apologized, “I promise I’ll get it right.” Chanwoo has got to stop making promises like that when he knows he can’t follow through with them. His body feels so weak like he’s falling over, and to be honest he wishes he would. At least if he fell over he wouldn’t have to do the dance again.

“How many times are you going to get the dance wrong, Chanwoo?” This time it’s Jinhwan who scolds him. B.I had long given up and was getting the other members to scold Chanwoo so he wouldn’t say anything absolutely awful to the boy. Jinhwan is the last member to scold Chanwoo, and Chanwoo feels as though he could go his whole life without Jinhwan scolding him. The same Jinhwan who cuddles him and helps him anytime he asks is scolding him and he can feel the anger and annoyance rolling off of the oldest member in waves. Chanwoo can’t even think of anything else to say besides sorry.

So, he says it again, “I’m sorry hyung, I really am”. His voice sounds pleading now and he doesn’t know how much longer he can keep the tears, burning his eyes, in. 

“Chanwoo, you’ve already apologized and you still haven’t fixed what you’ve been messing up on,” Hanbin has jumped back in the conversation, scolding Chanwoo for the tenth time since they started practice, “Are you even trying?” Of course he’s trying, but when he feels as though he could collapse at any moment, how good is he actually going to do the dance. 

“Are you too good to even answer your hyung now?” 

That’s when it starts. Chanwoo feels dizzy and he doesn’t know why…all he knows is that he needs to answer his hyungs’ questions before they get even more irritated with him, but he feels so nauseous and he’s starting to feel warm water in his mouth. He knows the warm water is a sign that he’s going to throw up, but his hyungs are looking so disappointed in him.

He can’t take their stares or the feeling in his stomach anymore, he runs out of the practice room towards the bathroom. When he slams through the door and into a stall, he can only hope there’s no one in here to hear him retch. He’s trying to get this over with quickly so he can go back to the practice room and explain to his hyungs that he wasn’t trying to ignore Hanbin's question, he just felt too queasy to speak. 

By the time he’s finished in the bathroom, it’s been an hour and if the other members of iKon weren’t pissed off before they definitely are now. Chanwoo can feel more tears welling up in his eyes but he knows he needs to exit the bathroom and come up with a better excuse than feeling sick for running out.

Chanwoo splashes cool water on his face then exits the safety that the bathroom offers to return to his angry hyungs.

“Chanwoo, are you kidding,” It’s Bobby this time, “you can’t just run off when you don’t want to answer a question.”

Chanwoo knows it’s best not to argue but he feels compelled to explain himself, “I-I’m sorry hyungs, I ju-just…”

“You what? Think you’re too good to answer me,” Hanbin sounds even more cross with him now than he was earlier, “Just because you trained the least out of all of us doesn’t mean you’re any better.”

“I know, hyung, I was just feeling…”

“We didn’t ask what you were feeling,” Yunhyeong sounds so annoyed that Chanwoo almost bursts into tears right in front of them, “Hanbin just send him back to the dorms. It’s not like he’s going to get the dance right anyway.”

“No, hyungs, I’ll get it right. I-I promise. I…” Chanwoo is begging by now. Why won’t they listen to him? Why won’t they let him explain?

“Just go back to the dorms, Chanwoo. I’m tired of seeing you mess up.” The look in Hanbin’s eyes sends chills down Chanwoo’s spine. He's so mad and Chanwoo’s never seen Hanbin’s eyes look so cold. His eyes are staring straight through Chanwoo’s soul, and Chanwoo feels stripped bare and vulnerable.

Chanwoo apologizes again because that’s all he can really do right now, bows to his hyungs, and then leaves the practice room for the second time that day. His head is hung and his eyes downcast, he feels empty and hollow. The tears that have been burning behind his eyes since he left the bathroom are finally being shed and he can’t stop them. He’s sobbing before he even leaves the YG building and he doesn’t know if he can stop.

Chanwoo makes it to the dorm and immediately goes to his and Yunhyeong’s room. He buries himself under the covers and thinks back to how his hyungs had looked at him, they looked so disappointed. Before he knows it, a whimper escapes and he quickly slaps a hand over his mouth. Why was he so awful at everything he did? Why couldn’t he do anything right? Why did he always disappoint his hyungs?

Why did his hyungs hate him?


	2. Please See Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chanwoo is still under the blankets on his bed by the time his hyungs get back to the dorms. He’s nervous. He doesn’t know what to say to appease them, he honestly doesn’t think anything he says will make them any less annoyed with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: So, this is the second chapter and the title is a line from the song Lost Stars by Maroon 5. Thank you so much for reading and feedback is appreciated!

Chanwoo is still under the blankets on his bed by the time his hyungs get back to the dorms. He’s nervous. He doesn’t know what to say to appease them, he honestly doesn’t think anything he says will make them any less annoyed with him.

Chanwoo hears the chatter and the laughter before his bedroom door even opens, he’s starting to feel queasy even thinking about them coming in his and Yunhyeong’s room. His safe haven, his only escape from them and the fans and YG and the unobtainable standard of perfection. 

But, they just pass by his room without even peaking in. Chanwoo doesn’t know if he should feel hurt because they didn’t check up on him or if he should feel grateful because they didn’t ask him more questions.

By the time Yunhyeong comes to bed it’s 3 AM and he doesn’t even check to see if Chanwoo is still awake, he just goes to bed. Not even 20 minutes later, Chanwoo hears Yunhyeong’s soft snores and he’s left alone again. Chanwoo is feeling hollow and abandoned and he’s surprised he isn’t sobbing again. 

He’s alone again.

There’s a quote that runs through his head every time he’s feeling like this, “You don’t realize how alone you are until you’re staying up every night thinking about things you should never think of and you can't tell anybody because you have nobody to tell”. He never even realized how much that quote explained his situation until he started spending nearly all his nights awake and alone or alone and practicing. 

He feels sick even thinking about the thoughts that run through his head on nights when the voice in his head is particularly bad. Speaking of that voice, it’s talking to him right now. Asking him why he thinks he can just stay in his bed and cry like a small, petulant child while the other members were practicing for hours after he left.

Chanwoo left the practice rooms at around 9 PM and the other members of iKon returned at 1 AM. How could Chanwoo have wept in his bed for four hours instead of practicing? He could’ve gone to another practice room instead of going back to the one that the rest of iKon was in. But no, Chanwoo just had to lay in bed when he could have been getting better, he could have been getting skinnier.

Thoughts of death and how all of this loneliness he feels could be gone. It would’t take long to just off himself, he had a plan after all, but he couldn’t leave his friends, his brothers, like that. They deserved better than some depressed, talentless child. But, they got him so he couldn’t leave them.

He’s lost in his thoughts and sobbing until he sees the sun finally rising over the horizon. Today’s an off day so they don’t have a schedule, thank God, he doesn’t know how well he’d be able to hide his fatigue, his sullenness. 

He takes a quick shower then goes to the kitchen in hopes that making breakfast for his fellow members will make them not hate him as much.

When the rest of iKon walk into the kitchen they don’t look any less disappointed in him than they did yesterday, and Chanwoo is starting to think that they’ll never forgive him.

“Good morning hyungs…I made breakfast,” Chanwoo is hoping that after he greets them they’ll stop looking at him like that. He’s wrong.

He feels as though their eyes are cutting holes into his heart and his stomach and he doesn’t know what to do or say to make them stop looking at him like he’s the most disgusting thing on the Earth. Why can’t they see how sorry he is? Why can’t they see how hurt he is inside? 

Why haven’t they noticed how much he’s changed? He’s lost so much weight, so why haven’t they noticed? 

The only greeting he gets, from his fellow members, is a nod. He spent an hour cooking breakfast and coming up with an apology that was suitable enough, and the only thing they do to acknowledge his existence is nod.

His hyungs all sit at the table and dig into the food he’s made and set up. He watches them for a few minutes before deciding that he’s going to practice. 

After running to his room to grab his things, he goes to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water, and to tell the boys where he’s going. They just look at him then turn back to their food, so he takes that as his sign to leave and he heads to the YG building. 

After Chanwoo’s left, the rest of the members of iKon turn to look at each other.

“I see what you meant when you said he’s been acting weird,” Junhoe’s the first to speak and the others nod in Donghyuk’s direction.

“I’m glad we’re all on the same page now, but how are we going to figure out what’s wrong with Chanwoo?” Donghyuk has known somethings wrong with the maknae for weeks now, he just doesn’t know what. He’s hoping his hyungs will figure out what’s going on.

“I’ve never seen him look so sad,” This time it’s Jinhwan who speaks and Donghyuk is glad that someone else has noticed the sadness in Chanwoo's eyes, the emptiness.

After lots of planning on how they’re going to figure out what’s wrong with their maknae, they’ve decided they’re going to start with apologizing to Chanwoo for how they acted last night and this morning.

Meanwhile, Chanwoo is crying on the floor of the practice room trying to figure out what exactly he’s done wrong and why he decided to become an idol in the first place.


	3. I Thought I Heard You Out There Crying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been four hours since Chanwoo left the dorm and the rest of iKon is starting to worry. More specifically, Donghyuk is making all the other members worry more than they think is necessary. They’ve decided to go to the practice room to check on Chanwoo, that was Junhoe’s idea.

It’s been four hours since Chanwoo left the dorm and the rest of iKon is starting to worry. More specifically, Donghyuk is making all the other members worry more than they think is necessary. They’ve decided to go to the practice room to check on Chanwoo, that was Junhoe’s idea.

Walking to the practice room all they could hear was their song Dumb&Dumber playing but as they got closer they heard loud, heart wrenching sobs. Jinhwan could feel his heart breaking at hearing their maknae so broken. It made Jinhwan feel absolutely awful but no one felt worse than Hanbin, after all it had been him who had scolded Chanwoo the most lately.

Chanwoo was trying to get his sobs under wrap but he couldn’t stop them from escaping, he just prayed no one was around to hear them. His prayers, sadly, went unanswered as his hyungs chose right at that moment to come into the practice room. 

Chanwoo felt nauseated, more out of nerves and guilt than actual sickness. He was scared to look up and see the displeased looks they had to have on their faces right now. But, as he looked up, all he saw was guilt written all over their normally cheerful faces. He felt his heart swell with joy at the fact that they didn't look upset with him, felt confidence even, but the feeling of guilt quickly came back as he remembered the comments about his uselessness and how he was bringing his hyungs down came back to him.

Chanwoo’s face fell as he remembered every nasty word that the fans had said, feeling disheartened he quickly averted his eyes hoping his hyungs didn’t see the hurt look in his eyes. Hoping they wouldn’t notice the bags under his eyes or the tear tracks on his cheeks even though it was obvious they had heard him crying before they came in.

Donghyuk looked at Hanbin and then started to speak, “Chanwoo, baby, we’re so sorry. We didn’t mean to be so hard on you.” 

The look of regret on Donghyuk’s face alone made Chanwoo believe what Donghyuk had said. Chanwoo looked at them and that’s when they all started apologizing.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said those things to you. I know you’re going through just as much as us, probably more, and I had no right to say that,” Hanbin is apologizing profusely and there is so much sincerity in his voice that another round of tears well up in Chanwoo’s eyes.

Chanwoo was extremely surprised to see even Junhoe was apologizing, saying things like, “Chan, I’m really sorry,” and “I didn’t mean anything I said, baby.”

The tears Chanwoo was trying to keep in rolled down his cheeks before he even realized and Jinhwan was immediately by his side, wiping his tears.

“Don’t cry, baby. You don’t need to cry over us,” Jinhwan has taken to kissing his cheeks, nose, forehead, and even his chin to cheer him up. What he doesn’t know is that the tears aren’t tears of sadness but of joy. Joy from being accepted by his members, joy because his members aren’t mad at him anymore.

Soon, all of his other members are surrounding him in a huge group hug, mumbling expressions of regret for the way they treated him.

Yunhyeong is the first to break the silence, murmuring something along the lines of, “I cooked your favorite meal and we can go home and eat it anytime you want,” quickly followed by a, “He'd never do that for us,” from Jiwon.

After sitting on the floor of the practice room wrapped in his hyungs' arms for who knows how long, they finally decided to head home, eat, and go to bed.

Chanwoo hadn’t even realized that his phone was unlocked and sitting out in the open until Junhoe picked it up and was reading what was pulled up on it, which just so happened to be an anti-Chanwoo blog.

“Chanwoo, baby, what is this,” Junhoe sounds surprised at what he found and a little hurt when he read what was on the phone.

“It’s nothing, June, I promise,” Chanwoo is pleading, hoping that Junhoe won’t show the other hyungs what he’s found, hoping that he won’t ask any more questions. 

Sadly, that wasn’t the case, he handed the phone over to Hanbin who was looking at him curiously then looking at Chanwoo with nothing but pity in his eyes.

“We’ll talk about this when we get back to the dorms and after we’ve eaten,” Hanbin looks upset and the queasy feeling is back as well as the guilt weighing heavily on Chanwoo’s heart.

They walk out the door with Chanwoo walking further behind them, hoping they won’t notice the dejected look on his face.


	4. Hiding Every Cloud Under A Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The walk back to the dorms was as nerve wracking as it was long, Chanwoo was trailing behind the rest of the members hoping that if he’s not seen then Hanbin and Junhoe would forget about what they saw on Chanwoo’s phone.

The walk back to the dorms was as nerve wracking as it was long, Chanwoo was trailing behind the rest of the members hoping that if he’s not seen then Hanbin and Junhoe would forget about what they saw on Chanwoo’s phone.

The hate he had unintentionally found when he was looking on the internet for pictures of iKon, to save as a screensaver for his phone(he wanted one of their really good group photos). He was absolutely gutted to find out that blogs were dedicated to hating him, constantly saying things like “OT6 Forever”, “Chanwoo who?”, “Jinhyung should’ve been in iKon not Chanwoo”; then there were nastier things. Things that reached so deep into Chanwoo’s heart and slashed huge cuts into it. 

Chanwoo felt a pang in his heart every time he read one of the hate comments, a sharp stab to his chest that stayed there for an hour or so or sometimes until he went to sleep. He didn’t want his members to know about this, didn’t want them to think any less of him. It hurt enough that the fans hated him, he didn’t want his friends, his brothers, to hate him too.

The minute they got to the dorms they went into the kitchen, ate, then slowly filed to the living room where the talk would take place.

“Chanwoo, would you like to explain to me what all of this hate is doing pulled up on your phone,” Hanbin was blunt and straight to the point, “and no bullshit answers. I want the fucking truth and I want it now.”

Chanwoo could feel himself shaking, how was he going to explain this? How was he going to explain himself? Everyone was looking at him, the sick feeling returning for the umpteenth time, tears were starting to well up in his eyes. What was he going to say?

“Baby, don’t listen to Hanbin, take your time,” his Jinhwan hyung’s voice was much softer, more sympathetic.

“I-I was…I was looking for a good group photo of us so I could save it as the lock screen on my phone and then this blog thing showed up and it was about me, so I clicked on it.” the tears were starting to leak down Chanwoo’s face as he remembered how happy he had been that there was a blog about him, “I thought it was going to be something nice but it wasn’t, and I’m so stupid. I knew the minute I read their blog description that the blog wasn’t a nice one, but I still read everything that they posted on it.”

The tears were rolling down Chanwoo’s cheeks in full force now, Junhoe could hear Chanwoo mumbling something and when Junhoe was finally able to make out what he was saying his heart dropped.

“Please don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me. Please don’t hate me,” Chanwoo kept repeating and he wouldn’t stop. 

Junhoe could feel tears well up in his own eyes at the sight of his, of their, broken maknae.


	5. Tears Don't Mean You're Losing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stares of his hyungs were weighing on Chanwoo’s heart, he still wasn’t sure how he’d explain all the hate that was pulled up on his phone.

The stares of his hyungs were weighing on Chanwoo’s heart, he still wasn’t sure how he’d explain all the hate that was pulled up on his phone. Chanwoo couldn’t even bear to keep eye contact with his fellow members, especially Junhoe. The same Junhoe who always bullied his hyungs and the same Junhoe that could never stop being sassy was the same Junhoe who had silent tears rolling down his cheeks right in front of Chanwoo.

There was a lump in Chanwoo’s throat, it felt like when you eat too much food too fast and it gets caught in your throat except it actually felt like it was choking Chanwoo this time. What was he going to do?

All Chanwoo could think to do was plead, “Please please please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry, I really am. I won’t look at hate anymore just please don’t hate me! Please tell me you don’t hate me,” Chanwoo’s pleads had turned into full blown sobs and Chanwoo knew for sure that he looked like a complete mess.

Yunhyeong was quick to answer Chanwoo, “We don’t hate you, baby, we’re just worried about you. Please don’t think that we hate you. We just want to protect you, Chanwoo. We love you so much, we could never hate you.”

Donghyuk joined in the minute Yunhyeong was done, “You’re so perfect, Channie. Our perfect little maknae, please don’t believe any of those hateful things that you read.”

“Chanwoo, why are you so thin? I noticed it earlier when I hugged you but I didn’t want to say anything,” Jinhwan was asking Chanwoo these questions with so much concern in his voice that Chanwoo let out a choked sob.

Junhoe was immediately by Chanwoo’s side, holding him, whispering things like how perfect Chanwoo was and how he didn’t have to cry because his members were here and they loved him.

When Chanwoo had finally calmed down he announced that he was ready to explain why he was so thin, why he looked so tired etc, so he reluctantly pulled himself out of Junhoe’s warm embrace. Junhoe let Chanwoo go but quickly pulled their oversized maknae into his lap. Chanwoo was used to the affection that Junhoe showered upon him while they were in the dorms, so he wasn’t all that surprised when Junhoe pulled him into his lap.

Chanwoo felt safe with Junhoe hugging him while he leaned his back against Junhoe’s chest, then Chanwoo started to explain.

“I was reading through the comments on one of our videos and multiple people were talking about how I was so much bigger than all of you, so I decided that I’d start skipping meals every once in a while. Every once in while turned into every other meal and that eventually turned into almost every meal. I eat maybe one meal a day and with the amount of practice I put in, I lost more weight skipping meals than I ever would just working out. There were comments about how I wasn’t even good at singing or dancing.

Then, before I knew it, I was practicing when I was supposed to be sleeping and practicing until I could taste blood in the back of my throat, and I guess I decided that my health didn’t really matter  
anymore as long as I was improving,” Chanwoo took in the faces of his members, shock showing on all their faces.

“Chanwoo, we love you so much and none of what those fans said is true. You’re not fat and you’re not talentless,” Bobby looked so angry that someone would say something like that to their maknae.

“I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on you, baby, if I would’ve known I would’ve been less hard on you,” Hanbin sounded and looked the most hurt out of everyone, he couldn’t believe how cruel he’d been to Chanwoo. He felt like he’d failed his duty as leader, he should’ve known that something was wrong with Chanwoo.

“I think we should finish this group talk with a group hug,” Donghyuk suggested.

They all agreed so they moved close to Junhoe and Chanwoo who stood up and accepted their members with open arms. 

As they were hugging, the members told Chanwoo how much they loved him, needed him, and how perfect and talented he was. Chanwoo had never felt so loved.


End file.
